April 12, 2013

The Golden Rule

Filed under: ramble — DISCERNING INTERWEB CITIZEN @ 11:50 pm

When we’re kids, we all hear about “The Golden Rule,” which is, “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”

I liked the concept. I remember pondering it in the car when I was four or five, driving around with my Mom. Raffi*** was singing about it on the tape deck. I was too young and non-Indian to have heard of karma, but I was somewhat obsessive about having things balance out. I remember feeling compelled to perform odd actions out of this sense of balance: for example, I’d accidentally brush my left elbow against a doorframe, and then feel compelled to brush my right elbow against the other side of the doorframe — in precisely the same spot. So, when I heard about this Golden Rule, the equality of the concept resonated with me. With a seriousness that always amused adults at the time (though later unnerved them as I aged) I decided that I should apply it whenever I could.

I forget the golden rule here and there, due to emotion. Everyone gets angry; Everyone says something mean sometimes. It’s human. You have to forgive yourself. When I have the presence of mind, though, I do my best to stick by ol’ Gold. My self-control has gotten better with age. The downside is that the computations can become massively complex, resulting in a Hamlet-esque mental denial-of-service attack that renders me useless for minutes at a time. Eventually, I even lose the plot, and wind up mired in thoughts about computer programming, electronic music, or why Microsoft can suck my left one. I get locked into a train of thought, and the rest of reality atrophies as my mental resources all pour into powering the train. I’ll walk into tree branches, miss my subway stop, and leave beautiful ladies mired in existential crises regarding their looks because I had a cool idea for a perl script (when all I really had to do was lie and say, “You look nice, dear”).

Sometimes, after zoning out like this for a bit, I’ll re-establish an uplink with reality and excitedly announce the conclusion I just came to. People look at me funny, because, wat, this guy was catatonic for five minutes, then blurted out something no one understood. WAT! non-sequitur. Meanwhile, in my own mind, I will have applied the Golden Rule — I came out of my zone because I figured out something cool, and I felt I should share it. Like, you dudes would not believe how mad balanced this perl script is. If I’d anticipated the uneasy reaction, I would have just stayed in my goddamn zone. But, when I rocket out riding on a conclusion like that… yeah, slingshot, baby, I just fall from the sky and lay it down. It’s how I am.

ANYWAYS, these situations kind of tore a hole in the Golden Rule for me. I realized how I wanted to be treated was not how everyone else wanted to be treated. Different people want different things, have different interests, and so on. In order to treat someone how they want to be treated, you must understand them. Consequently, understanding others is a prerequisite for the Golden Rule. I am miserable at this; it requires constant, focused effort. The Butthole Surfers sing to me here: You don’t know just how to look through someone else’s eyes. That’s the small problem.

Then there comes the Internets, with its cosmic commitment to rule 34. Upset all the moneychangers. Babel all the towers. Hack all the things. If anything could really torture my inner OCD balance-o-meter, it’s the fucking Internets. It turns out, there are people who are simply complete bastards, in the Patrick Bateman / American Psycho sense: Narcissistic fuckers with a massive ego and a former or present cocaine habit. Tony Soprano bitching about the Happy Wanderer: wants to smash the fucking guy’s face in because the guy’s happy. What does he care that the guy’s happy? Why does he want to smash the guy’s fucking face? My understanding of psychopaths is admittedly minimal at best, stemming from twelve credits of undergrad lectures and a lifetime of watching too much television… also, I read “The Psychopath Test” by Jon Ronson (recommended). Thank the powers, though, I have had no real contact with psychopaths before the Interwebs.

However, the Interwebs is the coat room everyone gets stuck in, and if you’re a heavy InterWebsHed like me, you run into them every now and again. These psychos do not give a shit about balance or equality. They regard you as a sucker for giving even a rat fart in a rainstorm about anyone else’s lot in life. You can be nice to these people, but it will, at best, buy you a temporary respite. Though I would not want to be mocked, berated, criticized, belittled, and/or finally ignored, I have no problem engaging any and all Interwebs psychopaths on that level, since it’s how they treat everyone else.

You have been warned.


***Disclaimer: My opening to the contrary, don’t believe everything Raffi tells you. Raffi also told me an apple a day keeps the doctor away. I have found much less use for this phrase — I hate apples, and all I need to do to keep the doctors away is to not make any appointments.

March 28, 2013

Why Cancer Kids Can Shove It

Filed under: ramble,war on bullshit — DISCERNING INTERWEB CITIZEN @ 4:54 am

I feel manipulated. I order Domino’s Pizza via the glorious Interwebs, and it implores me: Donate $1.00 for Cancer Kids?

I fully grasp the cosmic unfairness of a kid coming down with cancer, but it’s too much like a bad Disney movie. It becomes a fig leaf, like the Catholic confession box, that lets people continue to be horrible people without feeling any guilt. Be nice to Cancer Kids; your sins will be forgiven. Then, some scuzzbag walks in and sets up a “charity.” I mean, how can you refuse donating $1.00 to Cancer Kids?

For that reason, I tell all these charities to get lost. Especially the ones tied to fast food conglomerates.

March 14, 2013

kowtowing to the mighty terminator arm; 2012 is for suckaz

Filed under: Seen On The Internet,videos — DISCERNING INTERWEB CITIZEN @ 1:53 am

back from our vacation (the year of 2012). it can only be arms day, because terminator arm man has memetically assaulted me multiple times today. i first saw him a few weeks ago, and was all SEEN IT BRO when someone linked it to me. however, it then showed up on the front page of a site i visit. then another. then i realized it was actually a terminator arm man followup video. it never pays to fight the meme. as penance, here is the old video (which you have seen) and the new video (which you will have seen).

October 6, 2011


Filed under: howto,smoked cheese reviews,wat — DISCERNING INTERWEB CITIZEN @ 1:25 am

bone apparat

enjoy this fancy delite sensation blog sandwhich cheese grilledverymuch

or else



for recipe vv down thar


June 28, 2011

Liberty And Justince United

Filed under: Seen On The Internet,wat — DISCERNING INTERWEB CITIZEN @ 1:49 pm

Liberty And Justice United: Where ALL the CORRPTED DOTS connect and ALL the i's are dotted.

Reading through news on the Internet during a quiet moment, I hap’d upon a strange comment in the comments section of an article. It boldly declared: “WorthingtonGate – Where ALL the CORRPTED DOTS connect and ALL the i’s are dotted.” I had no idea what the fuck that meant, so I clicked it out of curiosity. What I found was…


December 12, 2010

New York Post Lies About Wikileaks

Filed under: news,war on bullshit — DISCERNING INTERWEB CITIZEN @ 10:03 pm


New York Post Lies About WikiLeaks


Normally, I wouldn’t bother to post about this sort of thing… but this flaming turd of journalistic fabrication genuinely irked me. Andy Soltis of the New York Post claims this is the top-secret “Wiki Lair”, and the headquarters of WikiLeaks. While careful to avoid lying in a call-the-lawyers sense, Soltis’s article is tantamount to character assassination based on false pretenses. He is heavy on implication that Assange takes women back to this glitzy pad built with Wikileaks donations in order to molest them.

The shocking truth below the cut.


November 24, 2010

Hotlinked Images of Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi (za)

Filed under: hotlinks,images,linkwad — DISCERNING INTERWEB CITIZEN @ 11:48 pm


Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi is hotlinked multiple times below this blog cut. TAKE THREE SHOTS then click it


October 9, 2010

marijuana-themed video funny while under the influence of marijuana

Filed under: videos,wat — DISCERNING INTERWEB CITIZEN @ 4:07 pm

once you see the bear taking a bong rip, your life will be forever changed for the better.

October 3, 2010

My Roommate Is Playing Another Tom Clancy Video Game

Filed under: ramble,video games — DISCERNING INTERWEB CITIZEN @ 11:53 am

My roommate is playing another Tom Clancy video game. Seriously, Tom? Another?  How many video games do you need? Could you even recite all of them from memory? I couldn’t. After Rainbow Sixty and the Nth splinter cell, you’re giving John Madden a run for his money. What do you do with them all? Do you really need another $2.3 million to roll around in? Perhaps you could let someone else have a few. Maybe Stephen King? But, given what ol’ Steve did with that car he bought, maybe we shouldn’t give him anything too fancy. How about LARRY King? Sounds much better. I will eagerly being awaiting titles such as:

  • Larry King’s Splinter Cell XI
  • Larry King’s Rainbow Six: Scranton
  • Larry King’s HAW HAW HAWX VI
  • Larry King’s Iraq Plane Simulator: Camel Toe 4
  • Larry King’s Sinister Terrorists Defated By You
  • Larry King’s Playing Canasta On A Cold War Submarine Simulator
  • Larry King’s Jack Ryan In his 19th Movie, This Time Played By Leonardo Decaprio
  • Larry King’s Larry king lartldtr’;gdfgkl;dfgk;ldfgkdf;lg’j4-03850-94wei r-0sd9 if0- 392 0f9 0w9 ef

Tom Clancy, stop being a “brand”, you jerk. While you may have fooled my roommate, you do not fool me.

September 9, 2010

Stockhausen Cage Kinda Score For Cars In German

Filed under: art,music,wat — DISCERNING INTERWEB CITIZEN @ 1:38 pm
Fahren I, a stockhausen score for 3 cars and automobiles.

Fahren I, a stockhausen-style score for 3 cars and automobiles.

fantastisch. beep beep. source: applied listening